Write an essay in which you explain how [the author] builds an argument to persuade [his/her] audience that [author’s claim]. In your essay, analyze how [the author] uses one or more of the features listed above (or features of your own choice) to strengthen the logic and persuasiveness of [his/her] argument. Be sure that your analysis focuses on the most relevant features of the passage. Your essay should not explain whether you agree with [the author’s] claims, but rather explain how the author builds an argument to persuade [his/her] audience.
1. You have given a clear answer which is that you disagree with the statement – it’s clear – well done!
2. Your first body paragraph supports your opinion very well.
3. Your second body paragraph is also fine. However, your third body paragraph is confusing. It is under-developed and I’m not sure what point you want to make with it. Do you want to refute what others say? In that case, you should write more in this paragraph – or don’t use it at all.
4. There are a lot of grammar errors – articles (a/the etc), word order and general sentence structure. This will limit your score for grammar.